i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
