I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
