it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she peed on how many people?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
