I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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