Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
