why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
