Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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