I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
