Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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