You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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