The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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