every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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