saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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