and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
