Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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