There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
