Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
