Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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