Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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