I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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