he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
