sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
