you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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