i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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