She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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