if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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