You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
