the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
