Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
