my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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