yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
