The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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