Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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