Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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