if i can run in heels then i can drive
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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