i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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