I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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