I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
