Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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