Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
