The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
