At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
