My nipple is on Facebook.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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