i love accidental penises.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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