you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
