I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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