he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
