If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
