pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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