I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
