I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
