Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
