I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
