I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
